Today is Sunday.  This weekend has gone by way to quick. In some ways, I'm happy about it and others I'm not.  I think the part that I dislike the most of it is because like most I have not accomplished all that I had hoped to get done.  When you have tasks and list of things to do building up, it becomes very frustrating to watch the list grow. Its hard to get them done when you are juggling the fact your child can not really mingle with the public for the next 10 days.   I try and do my best to keep Jasmine low profile.  I know that a trip to Walmart is a big no no.  I know that if I take her out of places in and out too quick she goes into a spaz.  Sometimes I can get her to calm down other times its too difficult to control.  She's a creature of routine and  hates having to readjust too much.  Multiple trips to different stores can spark up the worst tantrums.  She's so big now that it makes it virtually impossible to get a hold of her with out hurting yourself or her by accident.  The good part of this weekend coming to a close is that I don't have to be stuck inside anymore. I can go to work...talk and mingle with people.  My weekends don't allow for much of any of that.  I have yet to reconnect with friends. I have no idea what's going on in their lives.  Facebook is my only connection to them.  It allows me to have an inkling of what  is happening around me.  I guess you can say my weekends have become depressing.  David works and Jasmine is stuck with me at home.  She is also stuck with all my household chores, my lack of energy sometimes, and my up and down moods.  I realize when I attempt to do more than my low energy can withstand, I'm actually trying to keep myself from getting sucked into the downward spiral of depression.  All the worries of stress, relationships (my marriage, friendships, etc.) needing damage control, and financial woes, have all lead to this spiral of mixed unpleasant emotions.  I'm ignoring my needs to satisfy everyone else's.  I'm letting my physical appearance fall apart.  I dread the day I have to take a picture or spend more than 5 minutes in the mirror. My me time consists of me reading a book during my lunch hour at work during the week.  On the weekend it consists of me either reading after 10pm til 12 or 1am or just watching a movie during that time.  There is no time to catch up on much needed sleep.  I'm so tired when I get up that I feel like I didn't sleep at all and on to the next day.  
Yes, I'm evading my troubles and not facing them head on.  How do you face something that you can't see or do much about head on?  Cancer has offset a domino affect in our lives.  I suspect that I'm not the only one damaged by this indirectly.  David is undergoing his own funk.  We deal with it in completely opposite ways.  It brings that parts of our personalities to their most extreme level.  I'm a go go go kind of person and he is more layed back.  It used to be that it created a good balance  and now when our two worlds meet, its almost threatening to our relationship.  Poor Jasmine must feel the tension building.  She pulls us together sometimes and gets us to hug or give each other a kiss.  She smiles so excitedly when we give into the demands. She knows and I can't help but feel this is just a sign for us to not forget whats important.  I pray to God that things will get better, to continue to give me strength when I feel my weakest and hope that we our serving our purpose as we should be in the grand plan.  I hope that I'm not fighting against what message he is trying to send to me personally or missing it entirely.  I realize he has given us free will but its in mine to remain strong.  I don't want to cave in and I'm starting to wonder if that's what he wants from me.  By staying strong I don't relinquish my control over the little I have left to control. Hmmm? I wonder.  I wait for the big sign but am afraid to see how obvious he has to make it for me.  


On a lighter note, Jasmine's treatment this past week went well.  It was a long few days but it was very much the same as last.  4.5 hrs sleep, 3 hrs drive, awake 20 hrs, broken sleep over 6 hrs, and up the rest of the day to start it all over again the next.  The good news is that Jasmine has 5 more chemo treatments left.  She might have a good surprise coming her way when it is officially over.  I think she will be thrilled with it.  Unfortunately for Jasmine, she will not longer have her tv.  We had decided to cut our cable to help with expenses long ago, and were finally able to do it.  We had to wait until our contract was up.  She's going through withdrawals for time being.  I admit it sucks but we have to do it to stay afloat.  We are still in the process of deciding to drop our cell phone contract when it is up.  We've cut back in that department as well.  Many changes are taking place and adjustment is not easy but we shall overcome. 

Week Whatever: Anger

What a waste of time.  I went in for the SSI interview today.  Few words come to mind, disappointment and anger.  I filled out this lengthily child disability report.  It took several hours for me to compile all the medical history information in detail. They wanted to know every doctor she had ever seen, every hospital, last visits to each and for what.  The list goes on.  What kind of test and x rays were taken and for what.  I'm glad that I hoard appointment slips and have a great memory for dates and most every major visit.  It was all in vain.  I had called to set up an interview time in which they took some information from me. They asked me simple things like how many people lived in the house hold, own or rent, both our incomes and what was her disability.  I told them how much we made which leads me why I'm so upset.  We set a date.  I went in and from the start of our interview I'm told that we make too much.  She's disabled but we make $694 too much to be considered.  The girl who took my application anyways and told me they would keep it on file if that fact should change.  I gave her some of the same information I had given in the report and she asked what our medical expenses were.  I told her we owe $10,000 for this year already.  Not to mention we were still paying on last years hospitalizations prior to the diagnosis.  She  went and asked a supervisor if she could count these expenses against our income.  As I suspected, he said no.  I could tell she felt bad and was trying to do what she could.  I thanked her and went on my way and ready for the water works that would follow as I got in the car.  
I contained most of my tears and let it out as soon as I got home.  Angry and upset about how being honest and trying to do the right thing never gets us anywhere.  We try to make an honest living, work hard, faithfully pay our bills (on time for the most part), etc.  Going into that office was like the light at the end of a tunnel and what I thought would answer some of our troubles,....the light has blown out.  I realize that I have a better chance at winning the lottery than getting help from the government or state.  The rope I saw in the distance to save us from drowning was just short of grabbing onto.  I guess we will have to wait until the swells of trouble lift us to it and hope we don't drown before then.  If it were not for the help of others and their kindness, I would have lost all hope.   For now, I have just lost hope in a false system.  The system I have paid into for so long that now I can't even get help from it.  Yet I watch those driving Escalades, walking around with Coach bags, have iphones and go on nice family vacations all reap the benefits of the same assistance I'm asking for.  I"m angered because I'm to damn honest to lie and cheat. I have a conscience.