Week 24-25

We are maintaining.  Looking back on our first months of treatment, I find that this is true.  I think about all that has happened and how now we just function as if this were the norm.  It has been our norm, but not the everyday persons.  Jasmine has managed to get through this so far with negative results.  We still have 4 more treatments to go and feel like there is finally an end.  We know that we won't be out of the woods until after 5 years have passed cancer free.  My mind wonders before I go to bed about what will happen when chemo stops.  I'm scared, happy, sad, worried and tired but my thoughts are moving like a tornado.  I can't even focus on one thought long enough to have a single reaction.  I cry and just tell myself to sleep because I'm tired.  I have to talk myself into sleep now when I'm by myself.  It used to be that my head would hit the pillow and lights out (whether they were on or not).  Now I go through the process of talking myself into it by trying to emphasis the softness of the pillow, the low light coming into the windows, how the bed has just cradled me, etc.  Ridiculous, I know.  Between those thoughts and my list of things to try to get done, it consumes me. If this is what I have to do to sleep, so be it.  
  Unfortunately, sleep can hit me at the most unexpected times.  I went out to Walmart at like 7pm to finish up grocery shopping and take Jasmine with me.  She just finish eating dinner (1 hr and 30min later) and I knew she would stay awake for a good hour or two after.  I rushed through the store making circles because my list was all over the place. Even after all this time, I'm not oblivious to the stares.  I get through my list, wait on line and I all of a sudden feel tired.  It starts with yawns and then progress to the watery burning eye feeling while leaning on the cart. When I'm trying to put the bagged items in the cart, I catch myself in one quick motion.  I lean on the debit machine counter get myself steady.  It was only seconds and I'm sure no one saw.  I tell myself to get it together and make it out of there. By the time I get home, I get my second wind of energy.  David comes home early because he's not feeling well and I continue on with my chores.  I scrub the tub and put Jasmine to bed.  I watch some tv on netflix and call it a night.  So much for a second wind, I forgot to give Jasmine her medicine and will have to remember to give it to her ASAP in the morning.  I remember this at like 4 am.  My mind is going in my sleep.  

 Like the moms on the lunch line at the hospital, I have accepted this as our routine.  It's life unexpected bad turns in addition to our major twist that I can not get used to.  It keeps me on my toes and on edge.  The budget cuts our in progress.  Cell phone soon to be a mere 30 bucks.  Dish is gone and packed up ready to send off.  We've negotiated a minimum rate of payment per month with the hospital.  It gives us something we can manage but now it will take a long time to pay down.   We hope that in the future things will be different.  Good things are we have had help from generous people from all over.  The race fundraising, friends, family, people we don't even know.   The lights are still on, our phone is still connected, and  food is still on our table.  We have much to be thankful for and would have not been able to stay afloat without the help of others.