Week 16: Sunday

David took Jasmine last Tuesday for her MRI of the brain and lab work.  Her doctor called me to tell us that her MRI was negative and her lab counts looked good. I unfortunately was not feeling so great on this day.  I started to come down with flu like symptoms.  When David was on his way back from the trip we met up at Walmart to grab a couple of things we needed.  I told David I wasn't feeling so hot.  I actually felt like I was going to get sick.  I had body aches earlier in the day but continued to work.  By the time we were pretty much done shopping, Jasmine was in a good mood but I was having a hard time pretending like I was okay.  I found David looking at some magazines and I told him I was leaving and checking out.  I told him I was feeling really bad and had to go now.  I took Jasmine with me and checked out.  By the time I was in the car driving down the 10 mile stretch, I could feel it coming.  I tried to keep it down and under control.  I managed to get her and the bags out of the car and in the house.  I darted for the bathroom and that was all she wrote.  The rest of the evening I felt miserable.  I wore a mask instantly to keep her from getting sick.  I got her settled and out of her coat.  I let the dogs out and went straight for the ginger ale.  When David came home, I told him what happened and I just threw in a movie and laid down. I threw in a pot pie I had just bought.  I ate that slowly and layed back down again.  He took care of Jasmine the rest of the evening.  I had to go to work the next day.  
The next morning I felt a little better but brought the ginger ale with me. All I wanted to do was get my job done and leave.  Nothing ever goes as planned though.  I finally left an hour later than usual and still was not able to accomplish all that had to be done.  
The rest of the week was just as miserable for many reasons.  Its bad enough when you are sick because you already feel drawn of all your energy.  It makes it virtually impossible to recoup when you have other sources sucking the energy from right under you.  I think I have become settled with the fact that I can no longer handle being superwoman at this point.  It is physically making me sick.  The worst part of it all is that I don't know how to solve it.  Everything is starting to pile up. The reality is starting to become so much clearer.  I guess what I'm looking for now is an escape.   I need to know that there is a silver lining in that cloud above me and that life will be what it once was for us.  Even if its just for a short time.  I'm speaking about this as if this is just me but I know that David has grown weary of our routine.  It's tiring because it something you will never get used to and don't want to.  This is the second job.  As for Jasmine, her body has been wiped  of everything time and time again.  She's not like most kids her age.  She doesn't know that having hair and playing pretend princess is fun.  She still can't talk and still working on potty training. She has no friends or little buddies to play with.  WE are here friends and play buddies.  There is something very wrong with this.  The whole picture is wrong.  I'm looking for the solutions to too many problems.  I've been trying to mask our problems by keeping my mind and body busy.  IT has finally caught up with me.  I've stopped blogging as much because I want to hide from the bitter reality and instead sunken my head into fictional books.  Reading has helped keep my mind from dealing with my reality. 
Well, on a lighter note, the school called and they will be setting up a teacher or therapist coming to help Jasmine at home.  They will call us on Tuesday to let us know what the schedule will be. Monday is work, Tuesday and Wednesday is chemo and hopefully be back to work by Thursday afternoon.  I'm still wearing a mask and will continue until my last symptom is gone.  I don't want to compromise her health or David's.