Week 16-17

I am so excited!  I just noticed that Jasmine's eyelashes and eye brows are growing back.  Oh how I've missed them so.  She's always had the longest lashes and imagined she would never need mascara as she got older.  Mostly, I'm happy for the things your eyelashes do naturally.  I won't have to worry about the sun in her eyes as much.  It has mad her eyes so much more sensitive.  No more crusty sleep near the inside of her eyelids which is more difficult to wipe without rubbing the inside of her eye.  Lashes protected her eyes from the bath suds.  I can soon be rid of the looks from others as we go somewhere other than the hospital.  It kills me sometimes the way people view her.  Cancer doesn't come to mind when they first see her for some (the sheltered and self centered) they see an odd child.  I'm very much aware of my surroundings and Jasmine is too, so the fact that there are adults who snicker and make fun of my daughter from a distance is disturbing.  I watched a couple from a distance point and make fun.  I could hear them coming in our direction and heard snickering as they turned the corner. They contained themselves to not make it as obvious but as they got closer they sobered up from their high school behavior.  It was starting to register what they were laughing at. I realize my child looks different to others but I have no understanding for that kind of behavior from people my own age.  
Well on a different note, I'm applying for the SSI in hopes to get medicaid.  I'm starting to feel the panic of financial woe.  It scares me.  Its overwhelming.  Its coming so quickly and I thought it would be more spaced out.  Already we have found out that our insurance is for the birds but we are still glad to have it.  The new plan is crappy.  Our out of pocket has doubled regardless of what deductible you have.  We have already run into our first issue only 3 weeks in. Our co pay for Jasmine's Neulasta is 700.  That's 20% of the actual cost.  She supposed to get this every 3 weeks. It's only one shot but she needs to have it.  We could of course give her a shot everyday for the same cost.  Do we even want to think about torturing her with multiple shots when she's already been through enough?  Now we see the claims coming in for our responsibility coming in.  No bill yet but we know what to expect.  $4200 for our first bill this month. Lets see, we have until June until her chemo is over.  LOVELY!  Our out of pocket max is 10000.  At this rate we will reach this by next month. Woo hoo!  Am I worried? Yes.  Do I think we can get through this without losing our house? I hope.  I could really get into our financial business but lets just say like most American families these days, we have debt.  Debt upon debt just doesn't mesh well.  We pay our bills faithfully and try to pay it down.  Advice to others never underestimate the element of surprise or the unpredictable.  I hope that applying for this SSI and medicaid will help alleviate some of the long term financial stress. I thought last year was bad but this is a freaking nightmare.  
Its bad enough to worry about the treatment and how she handles it, whether her scans will continue to be negative, and ultimately her future.  I wish there was something out there like an easy button to dealing with cancer from every aspect and those affected by it. If there isn't a cure there should at least be that, right?  I'm trying to live a normal life or try to make it as normal as I can when we are not dealing with the treatment directly.  I can't help but think that I will regret trying to do everything as I have and more by sacrificing my time with Jasmine, if this does not end well. I feel like I should do my best and do things with her even more because I don't know what God's plan is for her.  I think back to the the weeks after we found out she had cancer and before we started treatment.  We went on family weekend vacation, just Jasmine, David and I.  We didn't do anything extravagant.  We stayed in state and just went to Williamsburg and walked the boardwalk along Virginia Beach.  We took her to the aquarium and even brought a packed lunch with us.  We didn't spend a lot because we stayed at a hotel for the night.  It was a vacation weekend 3 hours from home but I think about how happy we all were.  It was truly the best weekend ever and the happiest we had all been in a long time. It was Jasmine's first time to the beach.  I love the beach and I think that she did too.  I love her so much and.......
Her treatment went well last week the weather was the only thing I had not accounted for.  We ended chemo early enough to get her Neulasta but had to wait to give her the shot due to insurance policies.  We did have the option of staying at the Ronald McDonald house and getting the shot first thing in the morning, 8am.  They were calling for snow at rush hour and I thought we would be okay because it looked more like rain.  By the time we got the shot I hadn't looked out the window to see what was going on.  We headed down to the main floor and saw what the fuss was about.  Big mistake.  We got in the car and tried to go home.  It took us 3 hours to get down a stretch of 12 blocks maybe. What normally was a 10 minute drive even turned into 3 hours.  It was terrible.  We could not see out the front or the back of the car.  The snow picked up and so did the accidents and traffic.  People ran out of gas, their batteries went dead and people ditched their cars in the middle of HOV lanes on 395.  By the time we were in Dale City area, we stopped and stayed the night at hotel.  David's sister got us a room at the Best Western.  I couldn't be more grateful for her swift action.  The car was starting not do so well with the accumulation.  It was a lot and the roads had not been treated.  As much as I wanted to be home, I didn't want to risk our lives over it.  Other drivers were a little too anxious to get where they were going.  We ate vending machine food for dinner and had continental breakfast in the morning.  It would have been a treat but Jasmine was not feeling all that good.  Her medicine, which I'm glad I carried with me, did not go down so easy.  We slept well but late into the morning.  It took us 4 hours to get there and it was 10:30 before we even got settled in the hotel.  I didn't realize how tense I was that night until I got up.  My muscles were tired. We got home later that afternoon.  Never again will I underestimate the weather.