Week 1

Week 1 was nothing like I imagined it.  Then again, who ever imagines their 3 year old having cancer.  All the literature I read or advice I listened to from personal experience, could not have prepared me for my emotional roller coaster.  Knowledge is one thing but what your heart feels and eyes see are another.  How do I explain to my child that this will all pass?  How will I know exactly how she is feeling if she explains every thing through a single outburst of cries? What body part hurts?  Do you feel like your going to get sick?  No answer just tears and misery.  I sat back and had to watch every waking moment what her expression or body language would reveal.  Drugged to such an extent that she had no energy to lift her own body to regurgitate, I propped her up in fear she would choke.  Time and time again, she continued to get sick.  They tried to find the right nausea medication that worked best for her, but it was a trial and error kind of scenario.   It was 48 hrs of misery.  I was so tired and had no desire to eat, but ate only because I knew I should.  The smell would consume me everywhere I went.  Even when I waited at the food cart line for Jasmine's meals, it was there.  I sensed that familiar smell among the people in front of me and behind me.  They seemed to be so numb to it.  I wonder if I will ever be like that.
We finally got discharged after a short debate about calcium and potassium levels.  It was all scientific lingo to me. All I knew was, my child had not held down a meal or a drink in that amount of time.  I wondered how she would survive outside this facility.  We had a long ride home and I was not sure what would happen in those 3 hours.  DC traffic was horrible and I was worried. We tried to get my husband to work on time and hope that she would not get sick in the car.  I knew the later would be a miracle.  We got my husband to work on time and got Jasmine cleaned up a bit at a gas stop.   The day wasn't over yet. We still had to go and pick up her prescriptions 40 minutes away.  I prayed.  When I got to the pharmacy drive thru I pleaded with the woman at the window to  fill the over the counter prescription I was given last minute.  I explained to her that Jasmine had just had chemo and threw up while in her carseat and I lost it.  The emotion of helplessness hit me.  My husband had to go to work to keep the insurance and paycheck coming, our child was as ill as she had ever been, I lacked focus and energy to keep myself together.  She was kind enough to get me the generic Tums to my order.  I thanked her and left.  The night went without much more incident.  I had to get ready for work myself the next day.