Okay, so I reread my post from yesterday. It was brutally honest and it came from someone who was very tired. Its 9am right now. David is sleeping after just getting off from work and Jasmine is still sleeping. Jasmine and I went to bed at like 10:30 after much coaxing. I think I fell asleep before she did. Big mistake because I didn't give her the zofran (anti-nausea medicine). I got up to her crying hysterically at about 1am. She had gotten sick and swallowed again. Her crying was a testimony to her deep hate for getting sick. She was inconsolable. I tried to get her attention but she was thrashing around hitting me and pushing me away. It wasn''t until then that I realized she had never opened her eyes. She was having a nightmare and acting out parts of it. It took some time for me to get her calm. I turned on the tv as a distraction and she tried to crack open an eye. She was definitely having a nightmare. I was not going to waste another moment and decided to give her the medicine. Once again I upset her but it had to be done. I wanted her to hold down what she had eaten yesterday.
She just couldn't make out the difference between her dreams and reality. Our child is now traumatized. From what part of her treatment, I am not sure. I knew this would happen but just could not do anything about changing any of it. It all had to be done.
I think back about her most recent treatment and why my husband and I get so angry at each other. David is rightfully tired. He worked the night before and he never got more than 2 hours sleep. I, on the other hand, feel tired and frustrated. I feel the weight of my own "OCD habits" , as we call them here, 10 fold. I strive to make every situation as smooth as possible. Lots of thought and preparation go into every aspect of anything brought to my table. I stress myself out. This has always been part of my personality and makes me who I am. However, this personality trait does not work well with factors that are beyond my control. My daughter's sickness and health are out of my control. Its frustrating to watch and think about how I could improve her stay, her feeling and piece of mind. I guess what I've been doing is just taking it out on the next thing closest to me, my husband. Its just to easy because he's right there. It would take more energy for me stop myself from doing so. This was a vicious cycle. I'm sure we have not seen the last of it but hope we can withstand the results and possible damage.
I have to keep praying. There is a purpose in all this and something to take away from it when its over. I'm not sure what it is. I'm physically worn and mentally drained. I'm spilling out all that consumes my mind in these blogs. My hope is that it will give me the mental space needed to function and survive. I hope that.... wish Jasmine didn't have to go through this. I'm broken and in pieces. I need to get myself together before she gets up.
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